Creative Writing Fate of the Curses-Script for a project

Hey everyone!

So I've been working on something for a bit now, and I wanted to know what you guys think of it. This would be the first chapter of the story, so it's preety much the foundation. I want some ideas on improvement and such (and if you think it's long, don't think making it shorter should be an improvement! READ!)




In a once distant land, lived a new race of people. They look like humans, but they're different in almost every single aspect of the human race. As some would call it, perfect.

They’re not greedy, nor are they selfish, they do not have wars, no guns, nothing. Oh, I’m sorry, did I say “do”? I was meaning to say “did”. This is the way things used to be in this planet. That was before we put our hands to close to the fire, so to speak.

It was said our ancestors, well, at least some of them, were born imperfect, or as I call them, humans. They thought they’d found a way to give themselves ultimate power. They were on an exploration our holy senate had approved of, since these hunters said they were doing it for the good of the planet.

Whene they’d finally found what they were looking for, they had regret ever even thinking about it. All it took, is for a small case to be opened, with a warning inscribed in it:

“Those who tamper with the will of good, and their followers, will only lead to suffer and pain…”

Wether this was work of Akuma (Like the Devil) or not we’re not sure, but one thing is certain, we never were the same again.

Our planet that was once holy was now cursed forever with a slighty odd punishment. This only affected the newborns after the curse began.

Each baby was born with a specific mark. One was a golden mark, enscribed with the shape of a cross and wings, the other, a red snake and an apple in the middle.

After a couple of generations, we had finally discovered what it meant. Those born with the golden mark, were judged as saints, people that didn’t sin. However, there are also the other half. Those born with the Red mark are born sinners. And like said, once a sinner, always a sinner.

It seemed that something just took over them, and made the Red Marks evil, and the Golden Marks good.

Thus, our world was divided into to, until someone, my father, had found a way to release people form their curse. He was born a saint, and lived the life of a saint to the fullest. He made it his quest to help people. One day, he gathered all the Red Marks in a single spot, and with a spellcasting circle, took all their sins away. Were the evil, or my father went is unknown. He dissapeared instantly, most likely the force was too much, and he died. We could only hope Akuma did not take hold of him in the afterlife.

Oh, so now you may be wondering what happens next? Well, as bad luck has it, people are still born either holy or sinners, and the people had had enough. They decided to go to the last resort. Any child born a true sinner could be a threat to this great world, and therefore exterminated at birth. Ironic eh? Life is God’s greates gift, yet we take it as it’s nothing, just for the sake of good?

It was a real pain, especialy for the mothers that had to give birth. After all that pain, a stupid mark would decide their child’s fate.

Until one day, a mother, my mother, had me, and my brother. I was born a Saint, but that would mean that my brother was born a sinner. My mother could not bear the thought of having her child exterminated, so she had us by herself. She kept me, and sent the other baby to some other planet, were he could only go do evil there. We hoped that this planet was isolated, but when we searched, this planet was named…..Earth…..

-Seishin

 

It is different and I like it. Hopefully you will continue with it.

I notice a few grammar and spelling errs.

 

Yeah, for some reason the grammar pack is missing from Microsoft Word, but i'll work with it.

-Seishin
(Oh, and yes, I do plan on continuing ^^)

 

[Pulls a Mr. Spock]

Facinating.

[End crappy voiceover]

I like the premise. You use good versus evil decided at birth which can lead to an interesting slew of plot twists, bends and folds in the 'rules' you have laid down, and many other opportunities.

It takes place on Earth?

Meh, seen that before.

The premise of this piece that holds my interest is how you opened it, the ambiguity of it. It's an entire world of Dark vs Light and it's wide open. Add the drama that's going to come about because of Mom and what she did and you may have something here. The only thing that would have made this idea any more interesting than what you have now is if the narrator was the one born with the red mark. That way you enstablish the lead character as one who appears to be trying to break the rules regarding the sinners being evil, which adds conflict right off the bat.

But don't let me stop you. Your grammar and sentence structure could use a few more re-writes but is relatively solid. I don't read other's fanfiction as much as I should. Apart from Luvweaver I don't really dabble too much in other's works. If you can develop this in a true, interesting manner I might break the mold and follow this one out.

By all means, continue.

~W

 

Partly. In a way, it will. The mother was the one that "sent him to Earth". If you say you're sending someone to Earth, then that means that you're somewhere else. I'll make it a bit more clear in the re-write.

Actually, although this is in a way a first person, it comes as a "double-view".

See, what's gonna happen is, the story is going to spend a few chapters on the good side, as well as the bad side.

I specificly chose first person narration so both views are expressed more openly than in third person.

I'm trying to go differently. It's always the usual "oh he's good, he's bad. Since the good guy is good, then the bad guy either wants to kill or see war or something" But in this story it's different. Our Red Mark here WAS indeed born a red mark, but all I can say is, just because you're told or made to do something, does it always mean you have to?

Yeah, that's something that I'll be working on and trying to get by without the English Microsoft Word Pack. For some reason I can't do spell checks....

-Seishin

 

Ok, I'm done with the final version of the first chapter of the story. I've changed a bit of things. Hope you guys like, I'm working on the second chapter now!

CHAPTER ONE-A STORY OF FATE.....


In a once distant land, lived a new race of people. We look like humans, but we're different in almost every single aspect of the human race. As some would call it, perfect.

They’re not greedy, nor are they selfish, they do not have wars, no guns, nothing. Oh, I’m sorry, did I say “do”? I was meaning to say “did”. This is the way things used to be in this planet. That was before we put our hands to close to the fire, so to speak.

It was said our ancestors, well, at least some of them, were born imperfect, or as I call them, humans. They thought they’d found a way to give themselves ultimate power. They were on an exploration our holy senate had approved of, since these hunters said they were doing it for the good of the planet.

When they’d finally found what they were looking for, they had regret ever even thinking about it. No one is really sure what it was that they’d found, but there was only one thing that those who survived could say:

“Those who tamper with the will of good, and their followers, will only lead to suffer and pain…”

Wether this was work of Akuma (Like the Devil) or not we’re not sure, but one thing is certain, we never were the same again.

At first, nothing had happened, but over time, some “effects” started taking place.

It took only about a year for actual events to take. We didn’t know what to call it, curse, gift, it didn’t matter really. See, what had happened was that there was something wrong with our newborns started being changed. Some children were born with marks, and like in the beginning, we had no idea what it meant, or what was going to happen.

After a couple of generations, effects finally started taking place. There were those with a Golden mark. It had the symbol of a cross, and wings. The other was a Red mark, it’s symbol was of a snake, around some round figure.

Each person inscribed with a different mark had one of two effects. Those born of gold marks were for the most part unaffected. They were smart, precise, and well hearted. However, those of the Red marks may very well have been same in most parts, but not in their hearts. There were so many of them, and so many had hatred in their minds. Wether it was possesion or not we did not care at the time, but something was wrong.

When the newborns reached somewhere around their 20’s (since they were all born around the same time), they were an incredible thing to see. Super smart, strong, and there were few that developed mystical powers. They felt superior, but it was said that in a way, they were foolish, for they were not aware that those with golden marks were capable of the same.

There was struggle for a while, but once time passed, it was inevitable. War broke out. Those with gold marks did not want to fight. They believed in peace, but the red marks did not care. They attacked and slaughtered countless cities, until the people had had enough. Gold marks could not hold it, and they started fighting back. That’s were my father comes in. He joined the battlefield for the last stand. It wasn’t very clear what he did, but using the powers that he had, he somehow managed to rid our world of those red marks forever. Magic? A miracle? It doesn’t matter to me.

However, over time, the war seemed pointless, since there was still newborns being born and raised with red marks. And after what happened, the people were left with no choice.

Oh, so now you may be wondering what happened next? Well, they decided to go to the last resort. Any child born a red could be a threat to this great world, and therefore exterminated at birth. Those raised were also killed. Ironic eh? Life is God’s greatest gift, yet we take it as it’s nothing, just for the sake of our own good?

It was a real pain, especially for the mothers that had to give birth. After all that pain, and all that time, the fate of their child determined by a stupid mark?

A young woman, barely twenty-four, thought different. It was said that she had also fought in the great war, and she may be the only one with true knowledge of what truly happened, yet she does not want to tell.

Thus she became a mother, my mother, and my brother’s. I was born a Saint, but fate chose it to be my brother to be a red mark. My mother could not bear the thought of having her child exterminated, so she gave birth to us all by herself, secretly. She kept me and raised me with all her love, while my brother was different. My mother had put him in a transport capsule, and send him to an unknown living planet. However, we came to find that this planet was an important planet, this planet was named….Earth…

Hope you guys look forward to Chapter two-Welcome to my life!

-Seishin

 

your weird man..really. its all good though. i really am looking foward to the next chapter

 

CHAPTER TWO-WELCOME TO MY LIFE!

This is MY life. It’s not a perfect life filled with wonders and all that good stuff. In fact, it’s completely the opposite.

“Oh my god! I’m Gonna be late!” I scream at the top of my lungs. It’s 8:25 in the morning, I’m in bed, I JUST woke up, and school starts at 8:30!

“Good morning sweetie” my mother says to me. Mother, there’s nothing good in a morning when it’s your first day of school, and you’re gonna be late. Then again, it’s always a good morning for you, since you’re always so optimistic, and all I’M doing is sitting here wasting time thinking! So I just respond “Morning mom! No time, gotta go, late for school!” So I go to my last resort, grab my bike, and start pedaling, the school’s only a mile away, so it’s no biggie!

It is now 8:32 in the morning, after almost getting run over three times, I made it into a shortcut ramp that allowed me to jump right through the fence! Unfortunately, I also landed into window!

He looks at me….those evil eyes. Military trained, ready to tear ass, looking it at my, and what seems to be shaking his fan to give himself some air since he can’t stand the stench of my sweat. Don’t worry though, it’s not really true, it’s what he says to all of us. It’s really just a hot day is all.

Oh, right. He looks at me….those evil eyes. My assistant principal. Mr. Takinawa, or something. Staring at me, he starts saying his personal list.

“So, let’s see what we have here. You were two minutes late to your first day of school, you apparently almost caused three crashes, you ilegally jump through a fence, and into a window, meaning that would be considered destruction of school propety!” Damn, he got me, and he got me good this time! What do I say to him? Oh, I know!

“Well sir” I interrupt him as a counter-response.“Clearly there’s nothing wrong here! As you said, the accidents didn’t really happen. So ALMOST doesn’t really mean anything. I jumped through the 12 feet ram because clearly I didn’t see it. Thus causing me to not only loose time, but control of my vehicle. And as for the window, that was a cause of an accident, and I will gladly pay for it. So now if I could, can I get back to class?”

Yes! I got him! He’s been left speechless! Or was he? Oh no, no he wasn’t. In fact, he only stayed quite to give me a harder stare. It was at that moment that I could have sworn I saw a vein pop out in his head. He then says out “Are you kidding me? Look at me. Are you kidding me? Maybe you left out a minor detail perhaps? You’re forgetting to mention that that window wasn’t just any window, it was the window to girl’s locker room! Not only that, but the poor girls were in the middle of changing! And not only that, but in that group, MY DAUGHTER WAS THERE!”

Any person with common sense would think, I sure didn’t. How do I know that I have no common sense? Well, I kinda found out that after him screaming, I heard myself saying “So she was in that bunch? Hehe, way to go Mr. Takinawa!” I could swear he went insane. He grabbed me by the shirt and started shaking me screaming “What the hell did you just say!” Until of course, lucky for me, the principal drops by a visit in the assistant’s office. You’d think that she was an old, or not a very attractive woman, but in fact, she has GOT to be the cutest lady I’ve ever met. And not only that, but I’ve heard that she’s also got a gold mark like mine!

All she says to me is “Go to your class kid. We will decide what to do with you later, but your studies are more important. This IS your first day of school after all!” And she smiles.

So NOW what? Oh yeah, class!

Right, so I now move on to my class, second period, man they held me up! Once I get there, I say “Sorry I’m late! I was with the principal. You can ask her if you want.” The teacher only urges me to sit down.

Oh, we’re doing our introductions today I see. Guess the sing on the board should be clue enough. So I go to the only empty seat in class. Lucky me, I get to sit next to a really cute girl! She looks at me and smiles. She DOES seem friendly indeed. Sweet! She asks me my name, until the teacher says “You, late boy, stand up and introduce yourself”

“Y-Yes sir!” I stand up and say “Well hello everyone! My name is Seishin! I am 16 years old, and have always been from around here. I hope we all get along together!” I bow in a nervous state and sit back. The next guy goes up, but I didn’t really care since I was talking to my cute neighbor.

“Seishin huh? That’s an unusual name. I’ll keep it in mind” She smiles. But there’s something wrong here. Where oh where have I seen her before? She seems so familiar? So I just go and ask her “Hey, have I seen you somewhere before?” She gigles. Odd, it seems like SHE knows very well I think. She is asked to stands up and says “Hi, my name is Aiko Takinawa” Hmm, Aiko Takinawa, that’s a nice….w-wait….T-Taki…nawa? No, no it couldn’t be, at least that’s what I hoped until she said “And I’m the Assistant Principal’s daughter” Holy crap! It’s her! I saw her in the locker room! But did she notice me?

“I may not look it” She pulls out big glasses and says “but I’m near sighted!” Interesting Miss Aiko, very interesting. I should keep that to myself for a while I guess. Still, I think that there’s a lot more to this girl than her looks, I can feel it!

Right after Aiko was done, the intercom come on. It’s the principal. She says “Hello staff and students, and welcome to this new year of school. We hope you are enjoying yourselves here. We now ask the teachers to please release all of your students into the courtyard for a special surprise festival! We want everyone to get to know each other, not just from their classes, but in the entire school! Again, teachers, please release all your students into the courtyard. That is all” Allright! Free time already, this is getting better by the minute!

As I walk there though, some guy comes up to me and says “Hey friend, what’s your name?” Crap, I lost sight of Aiko. No matter, I respond “My name’s Seishin. Do you need something?” He looks at the back of my neck and says “I noticed that you have a gold mark there. I also have a gold mark” When he pulls out his sleeves, I see the mark on his hand. The more the marrier I guess. Yet, I notice he’s staring at my mark a bit too much and then says “Hey buddy, I just noticed something. Your mark, why does it have wings? Mine only has the cross and the crown”

What? I thought that everyone’s had wings. That’s odd. Mine doesn’t have a crown like his either. Now that I recall it, the principal’s had no wings and a crown. Is mine the only different.

I look behind me, and I notice everyone’s staring at me. Or to be more clear, at my back. The guy asks me if I’m allright, but now that he mentions it, I’m starting to feel dizzy. “Your mark’s glowing!”

What the? What’s going on? It hurts! I can’t….I can’t…..AHHH! Scream is all I see myself doing, as the mark glows brigther and brighter. Something’s defenitly wrong here. If MY mark is glowing, why isn’t his? They’re supposed to be connected! Unless…am I connected to something else?



Hope you guys liked this chapter. Sorry if I seem to always let you into a bit of a cliffhanger, but the next chapter should explain a bit more.

Still open for comments, etc! Oh, and If anyone could help me with the grammar issues please?

-Seishin
(Oh yeah, look forward to Chapter Three:The Darker Side of Life)

 

Two things. Actually three things.

#1- A self insertion?! Omg, here comes the Avatar. Get ahold of me sometime, we should chat some about this.

#2-

When a boy flies through a window on a bicycle, into a locker room of all things, EVERYONE notices. I'm assuming that you're going along with the "Im nearsighted" thing, but is she the only girl in the class? Surely someone else would have noticed this was the kid trying to recreate E.T. in the morning. Why are the girls even changing at 8:30 in the first place? She was already AT school, ya? Wasn't SHE late for class as well? Why was there a window in the women's locker room anyway?

#3- Assuming there are no other women in the class to dime Seishin out about the locker incident, why would there be an empty spot next to the only cute girl in class?

Sorry, it's just my analytical mind attacking this. Not quite as stimulating as your first part. I also sense some AVatar-y nastiness brewing, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt for the moment.

Also feels like you're rushing this. Slow the pace down a bit. He's already having problems and it's not even 9:30 on the first day of school? Half the fun in reading is getting to the drama itself. You can spend time adding to character depth and elaborate on several vague points. Don't be afraid to slow down, Mm'K?

~W

 

1-Uh uh. Seishin is actually the name of the guy. I originally started it a long time ago, but I dunno, I just forgot about it. So no, no avatarish thing here.

2-That will come on later in the day. Before I finalized Chapter Two, the whole Mark's Glow thing wasn't there at all. I finished the day a bit quicker, and yes, he did get what he deserved. But I felt it too plain to finish a day like that, since I only introduced Aiko.

3-As for some of the other girls not being there, it's just a matter of chance in a big school. What are the odds of you landing in a girl's locker room, the assistan principal's daughter being there, and having her in your second period? A bit rare, like the chance of other girls being there. Plus he didn't get a pounding in the hall since he was late.

As for the rushing part, no need to worry. This is just a mere introduction, although it does feel like a bit more eh? Chapter Three is titled The Darker Side of Life, because in THIS chapter, it's not gonna be in our hero's point of view, but rather in his brother's (who is on Earth). Why it glows? Was something triggered?

Sorry if things aren't always clear, but you'll start noticing that in every single chapter, I'll leave it a cliffhanger ^^

-Seishin

 

..Id never guessed he would ever even get close to writing something half-decent ( no worries hes my friend her understands where im coming from) well in fact you can tell it is from Seishin if you catch my drift. ok enough of that, im looking to see if this story is really worth reading from your next chapter ^_-

 

Looks good bro. Yeah, I felt the rushed thing too. Also, what person was this chapter being told in? I couldn't really tell.

 

Well, at first it's kinda odd to see who's who. But by the third chapter, it all becomes clear due to the different life styles. So far, chapter's one and two were told by the good son, Seishin. Chapter Three however is going to start the story with his brother's (Red mark) point of view. Usually the mother is in every single chapter Seishin's on, so that should be a good lead.

I try to make it clear though, without the need of hints.

-Seishin